This eponymous article closely follows this brilliant video by Zen teacher Angelo Dilullo. I would recommend watching that first, as I’ve borrowed much of the language to preserve the transmission of the idea.
I believe that this method is just as fitting for those interested only in psychotherapy as for those interested in spiritual realization. It has much in common with practices or perspectives that one might find in, for example, Mindfulness-Based Cognitive Therapy (MBCT), Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), Exposure Therapy, Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), and Logotherapy.
The space between stimulus and response
I have written before about this precious space, which references a famous quote much loved by psychotherapists, that is usually (mistakenly, as I did) attributed to philosopher and psychotherapist Viktor Frankl:
Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space lies our freedom and power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and freedom.
It turns out that Frankl likely didn’t say it, but rather, Stephen Covey, wandering the stacks of a university library in Hawaii in 1969, serendipitously opened a book and encountered a version of the quote, which changed his life and became the basis for his work. Covey felt it exemplified the spirit of Frankl’s work.
This “space” or “gap” has been known and spoken about perhaps forever; the important point is that it is viscerally felt and known directly in one’s own experience, and this what I’m aiming for in this article.
In working through it, readers might be reminded of Byron Katie’s Four Questions. There is definitely a relation. Both of these methods are a sort of psycho-surgery, and I don’t think I’m exaggerating in saying that they are just that powerful.
What is emotional reactivity?
Emotional reactivity is the uncomfortable state of feeling “triggered.” It’s the tendency to experience and express emotions with excessive intensity in response to this perceived trigger. Although it feels excessive, it is ubiquitous and we take it to be a normal part of life, as much as we dislike it.
What exactly is this feeling of being triggered? It can feel like a fundamental sense of wrongness, restlessness, “ickiness”, not wanting to be there, wanting to crawl out of our skin. It’s like the doorway to a hidden storehouse of discomfort that normally we feel only half-consciously. Typically, we don’t direct our attention towards it; instead we focus on what we think triggered us, usually a person. Unless we’re a very openly reactive person (or a toddler), we hide much of this inner suffering from others. Generally speaking, “acting like an adult” means hiding it.
In the practice presented in this article, we make what is half-conscious fully conscious. This is serious business, hard to do, and we pay a cost in discomfort! If our experience is likened to getting hit by a wave at the beach, this is like standing still and feeling every drop of water rather than getting bowled over or turning and running.
Why isn’t this practice better known and applied?
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- This work is uncomfortable and doing it goes against our natural tendency to avoid discomfort.
- It’s subtle and precise, and requires consistent practice and self-awareness, which can be challenging.
- It’s often easer — and certainly more habitual — to seek external solutions rather than to do this internal work.
The point of this article is to try to help generate a bit of faith in the process by clarifying some points.
What are the benefits of breaking reactivity?
To be sure, “Breaking Reactivity” sounds like strong medicine. Does it mean we can actually stop ourselves from being reactive? How could that be possible? The reason it is possible is because our emotional reactions, if we slow them down and look closely, can be revealed to be a cause-and-effect sequence. If we can remove just one link in that chain, we break it.
The practice involves learning to stay with our discomfort, so that we can do precise work around our perceptual filters, which shape how we interpret the world and therefore, how we feel and behave. This work can have profound results on our psychological health and development. Our suffering can radically diminish and we can gain clear insight into how our emotions are created, on the spot.
Three major benefits in getting to and staying in this place of discomfort:
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- We can acclimatize to restlessness and discomfort, a sort of exposure therapy that gradually reduces the discomfort.
- Going deeper than exposure therapy, we are targeting fundamental, implicitly held beliefs that are causing us to suffer — the inner logic behind entrenched maladaptive patterns.
- We can do extremely efficient psychotherapy. Our deepest reactivity patterns underlie many behaviors, and if we can fundamentally change just one of them through a single point of reactivity, then we might experience transformative effects in many areas of life.
How does that sound? The proof is in the practice.
First step: Access
First step is to just notice that you’re reacting, and what you’re reacting to.
It can be something very mundane; whatever it is, just relive what happened in your mind.
For example, say you don’t visibly show your anger, but inside you feel it and your nervous system begins implementing a coping mechanism. Typically, this is a version of fight, flight, or freeze with roots in early childhood, when the coping mechanism first arose to resolve the emotional reaction.
By noticing rather than reacting, you make a decision to consciously turn inward. This decision to turn directly towards the reactivity is a gold mine. Really trust this process. Feel gratitude for finding a point of reaction. You’re in good shape because you can get down to the mechanism that forces a reaction.
See if you can feel both the reaction and the tendency to go to the coping mechanism. Feeling them both together is called access.
Feel what it feels like to have that happen. If you feel something uncomfortable, this is a good point of reactivity. Just relive it, as uncomfortable as it may be. Don’t think beyond what the trigger was.
Second step: What did not happen?
Next, look at the situation and ask yourself, What did I expect to happen, that didn’t happen?
Consciously place to the side the usual focus of “what that person did to me”, which feels like blame and is focused outside, on another.
The underlying fact is, we have what we think should happen, and our expectation was not met. What was I expecting that didn’t come?
Try saying it out loud, a statement of what didn’t happen. If it feels uncomfortable to say that, and if it feels like you want to get out of discomfort and move to the next step, recognize that very urge to move on as part of the formation of the reaction. This is excellent! You are peering behind the curtain, seeing into your own body-mind.
When you voice your expectation, your discomfort might increase or it might decrease. Both are fine. But here is a chance for insight. Just see what you see.
These are the preliminary steps; the rest is mostly to feel.
Third step: Stay in the gap
Simply feel into the discomfort. How does it feel: What I wanted didn’t happen!
Step right back into it, don’t go into a reaction about what should have happened. Just feel that, stay with that. It is a time for no more analysis.
This is the “reaction gap” — the crucial gap between my expectation not being met and whatever I think or feel I need to do about it. That expectation not being met is uncomfortable. The brain reacts with some mild (usually) version of fight, flight, or freeze – to justify, think, argue, distract, or run away – whatever your system habitually does to remedy your expectation not being met.
That’s the reaction. The discomfort seems to demand the reaction.
We’re trying to stay in the gap right before the reaction, which will feel like a sort of raw discomfort. Again, it is uncomfortable! Just stay there. You’re doing work just by doing this.
The first time, if you can precisely define the expectation that is not being met, that is good enough. It’s very slippery, there’s a tendency to jump to the reaction without even realizing it. It can be tricky just to get to that statement.
At this point, pat yourself on the back. Beyond that, if you can stay in the discomfort — 5 minutes, 10, 20 — that’s great.
Fourth step: Question the compulsion
The following questions are not about finding the ‘right’ answer in your mind. They are invitations to explore your experience directly, to feel into the sensations and observe what arises without judgment.
Once you can remain in the (uncomfortable) gap – and only then – ask yourself, Can I find something in my experience that says I have to react? Is there something tangible that is making that reaction happen?
It may feel opaque, but you’ll notice that a reaction is in the process of happening. Again, is something compelling it? What is forcing that? You’re trying to look for something, anything, that is bridging the reaction gap.
Once more: Is there anything that is literally, causally linking the impetus to react to the next thing you believe has to happen? This is important. Is the chain fixed or not?
Why do you have to react? Look, feel.
That’s it.
Here is a possibility for experiencing something new.
Healing insight
Keep looking. You may notice something suddenly shift, change, drop. It could be subtle or vividly obvious.
Or you may feel the tension build, like a tic. It may feel something like that. Don’t worry, everything is doing what it should do. You’re on track.
Notice what the mind is saying about your experience. Whatever thoughts might say, recognize that those are thoughts, not a mechanistic link!
Look for the link, the causal chain. Is there one?
I will let you answer that — your answer is the important one.
Be patient and persistent. Keep going until something changes, in the body. The more it’s driven home in the body that there is no real reason to react — if that is in fact what your learn — then the body will stop trying to react. You can think whatever you want; what’s important is that the body, the nervous system, “gets it.”
It doesn’t do any good at all.
Only then will you see, feel, and be able to truthfully say consciously: There is absolutely no reason to react. It doesn’t do any good at all. Except it makes me upset. It’s just causing me to suffer.
But you can’t sidestep this process. This is not knowledge for your mind to “know” – it’s an experience that you have to patiently lead your nervous system to have. Once it has that experience, enough times, it will learn, it will shift. You will feel different, because your nervous system has updated itself.
Good luck!